Bing Blog

I'm with Arnold

Terminator

Look. I'm probably the only one around who feels this way, but I'm getting pretty sick of people being busted for sexual indiscretions. I'm not talking about rapists, excuse me, ALLEGED rapists like our visitor now on bail from the IMF, or alleged abusers or bullies, or even the occasional drunk who does something entertaining to enthrall us all for the five or six seconds that represents our common attention span. I'm talking about people who engage in dirty, nasty, illicit sex with another consenting adult and then are forced to bend themselves into painful little pretzels to cover up their indiscretions and mistakes. I'm talking, in short, about Arnold.

I'm with Arnold. I feel for him. I'm sorry that the secret he kept that held his life together was revealed by the whorish, prurient media. I'm sorry that people are cruising the internet looking for pictures of the lady he banged to such productive effect. I'm sorry that when those pictures were found and published by the sleazy, greasy little websites that feel they're performing some kind of public service by doing crap like this, everybody got together around the national water-cooler to cluck, whinny and chortle about how chubby and lackluster the woman turned out to be.  I'm sorry he's fodder for the machine.

There's no question, of course, that the man was a fool. To father two kids within a week of each other! What a horn dog! Yes, he has supported the little illegitimate fellow for his whole life and will, I imagine, continue to do so. But now his secret is out. And it's so... juicy. Sex with the maid! End of a big celebrity marriage! So much pain. It's delicious! Hey, did you know that Arnold's 17 year old son, Patrick, changed the name on his Twitter account from Patrick Schwarzenegger to Patrick Shriver? Boy, that must really hurt, huh? Hurt the kid. Hurt his mom. Hurt Arnold. Everybody hurts. It's terrific. It may even keep us entertained until, like, next week.

The fallout continues most excessively. I read, with sadness, that Arnold has, at least temporarily, abandoned his acting career to attend to matters pertaining. "At the request of Arnold Schwarzenegger, we asked Creative Artists Agency to inform all his motion picture projects currently under way or being negotiated to stop planning until further notice," his official statement read. "Gov. Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes 'Cry Macho,' 'The Terminator' franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Gov. Schwarzenegger decides."  I hope he decides that He'll Be Back very, very soon.

He should. The ordeal that this society puts sex idiots through, at least when it comes to male sex idiots, is a form of public castration. Look at how the golf club has been taken out of the hands of the greatest athlete who ever held a niblick. Now Arnold is essentially terminated. He won't be the last. Because now everybody knows everything about everybody and in the end everybody is an idiot. More specifically, everybody is a sex idiot.  You are too, I bet.  Maybe the next time this will all be about you, if you're silly and horny and unlucky enough. Won't that be fun for the rest of us.

7 Comments Add Comment

Well said and well done.

Now, where's Nately?

You're looking at this all wrong, Bing.

First, let's look at the economic (pardon the pun) stimulus that an indiscretion such as this provides. Don't tell me that the Sperminator's paramour isn't going to be pitched opportunities to monetize the notoriety that I will concede was foisted upon her. That creates wealth for her as well as for those associated with the company that produces the reality series, the network that airs the series, the publishing house that releases the memoir, etc. etc. DNA isn't the only seed that gets spread in a situation like this. It's trickle-down economics in its most primal and, admittedly, gutteral form!

And let us not weep for Arnold or Tiger. Not only will they remain wealthy and powerful but they're also now perfectly poised for . . . you guessed it . . . THE COMEBACK TRAIL. Look at last year's Masters. It was a (less carnal) Tiger love-fest. No, he didn't win, but that's okay. As a matter of fact it's great! Let's prolong the drama! Let's see how long it takes for him to reach the climactic REDEMPTION chapter! And while we have a nation of slack-jawed gawkers sitting back watching this drama unfold, waiting to see whether the phoenix rises or wallows in the ash, let's sell them stuff! Hell, John Daly's been on a bender for nearly two decades and yet he's still great theater. Somewhere someone is making a killing on those obnoxious pants! Bumpy roads to recovery are paved with gold. And isn't gold where everyone is screaming for us to be right now?

The public's fascination with and demand for celebrity dirt isn't what caused Arnolds' kids to change their names. Their father's infidelity did that . . . . or perhaps they were motivated by their own enterprising ways, after all, they do carry the pedigree of a family that traded on vice and it doesn't get much vicier than vanity spun from parental infidelity. Come next spring when "F*ck You Assh*le - My Life as the Governator's Son" is topping the NYT bestseller list, I'll be saying I told you so.

Arnold will be back. Tiger's already kind of back. And in many ways we're richer for it.

We had this "cheating" conversation on your old website. I remember it because I took a tongue lashing by one of your irate female readers when I questioned a woman's part in the "breakdown of marital relations." But now the subject rears its ugly head once again: Are all men just "horndogs," or does any of the blame rest with women? Lots of this infidelity stuff in the news lately, with Arnold Schwarzenegger being the most notable. It kind of makes you wonder what the heck is going on. I might have to buy a copy of Jesse James' book and find out why he cheated on one of the most desirable women in the world.

Such indiscretions are one of the few areas where I think the French have it right and America is wrong. And champagne. But Ill still take pancakes over crepes and a side of freedom fries any day.

Mind boggler--This expose' came on suddenly, today? How can celebrities in the spotlight keep such tight secrets without some type of cooperation from the people involved? News people--especially!

Now Maria is going on the Opra Winfrey Show to commiserate an infidelity cast upon her--to put her back in the spotlight to get a new gig as a newscaster? Celebrities are something else! Scandals feed the entertainment industry. The bigger and better the scandals, the more popular they become. This is "Harper Valley P.T.A. in pure form.

Scandals are like a barrel of shit. The more you stir them, the more they stink. The more they stink, the more popular the celebrities become.

Opra permitted Dr. Phil to have his show; also, Dr. Oz to have his show. Now, how long will it be until Maria has her own show?

Celebrities, apparently, have no life, so they must try to create it. Scandals must be the way to go.

let's not forget the attorneys, promoters, agents, and the industry etc., and funding their exploits on this planet. It all seems to be caused by the "STUGATZ"!

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold. Just ask yourself, WWUTD?

Then call Roy Black and see if he practices that branch of the law.

Another one bites the dust... keep it in your pants, boys ! I don't think his son can change his name, legally. Everybody hurts, sometime... give it another couple a weeks and we're thru with this ordeal. DSK, the Terminator, and a whole bunch of them... what the f..k is going on ? What about the "crimes de sang" all over the world ? It doesn't matter any more ? Kaddafi ? ring a bell ? Nothing is private anymore... Oops... I shouldn't be here writing... They got to me... Aargh... Vive la France... et les Etats Unis d'Amerique...

RELATED THINGS